she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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