well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
