I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
