did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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