he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
