Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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