I just pynch a tree in the face
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
