Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
