I think I won the penis lottery.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
