my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
