It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
