i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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