Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
