I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
