y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
3 2 1 whiskey
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize