Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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