I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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