A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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