Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
