So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Randomize
