if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize