Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize