Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize