its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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