she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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