so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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