Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
