If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
