I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
