that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
