did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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