this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
