having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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