can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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