OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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