Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
