batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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