Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
