I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
