a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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