the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
