masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
