Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
