I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
