I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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