Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
