I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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