the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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