His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
