Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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