if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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