I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
