I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
