Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
