Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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