i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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