Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
